Skip to main content

The Wedding Plus Zero

Listening to: Nelson, "Can't Live Without Your Love and Affection." If you don't know what the Nelson twins look like these days, some of the imagery in this video may disturb you. I don't recall anything about their music except that George was really into them. I didn't understand then and I sure as heck don't understand now.

Since two of my favorite people have recently blogged about weddings and plus ones, I thought I'd have to leap in there just to join the virtual pajama party. Lilly's great post and very important Potential Wedding Date Questionnaire is the place to start. And then head over to where Reena talks about the injustice of never receiving a plus one on her invite, and presents us with a sample Checklist of Singles card to be filled out alongside food preferences.

As for me, I'd like to start by rethinking the idea of a plus one. Currently the system is used to give your guests the familiarity and comfort of having someone they know at the wedding. The basic rule of thumb seems to be that if they don't know anyone else, they should get a plus one. Or if they are seriously dating someone, they also get a plus one. At an average of over a hundred dollars a head, this idea is truly crazy.

After extensive research, a quarter of the crowd at a typical wedding are plus ones who usually don't add anything to the festivities. Even worse, having someone chained to your friend essentially makes them less fun. As far as I'm concerned, the plus one is really a negative one. I'm into social mathematics and this just doesn't add up. If you want to smother the joy at your nuptials, just dole out those plus ones in the traditional way. Or you could try something different!

The post-modern wedding should exist for your entertainment and pleasure. Who cares if the guests are comfortable or having a great time? The important thing is that you have who you want at the wedding and not some gathering of people who suck the energy out of the party. Guests should only get plus ones if the person they bring has special skills or is highly participatory and awesome fun.

For example, I once went to a wedding where my friend got a plus five. "That seems excessive" you might say. Basically the reasoning was that my friend had such cool friends that having multiples of them would surely add value to the event. So my friend brought his entourage of talented and beautiful souls and they performed SWV's "Weak" at the reception and provided entertainment for all. If you're going to allow plus anyones at your wedding, make sure they are actually positive assets.

The one time I was a plus one at a wedding, I stepped up to the plate and became the de facto videographer. Someone needed to man the camera and since I really wasn't there for any reason except to accompany my friend -- who was a bridesmaid -- I volunteered my services. Now I don't want to toot my own horn but I think I made my presence felt, if only by providing digital memories for the happy couple. That's the kind of plus one that you want at your wedding. Me!

Some signs that your plus one is really a negative one:
  • Their feet hurt and they won't/can't dance.
  • They are tired at intermission and want to go back to the hotel room by ten.
  • They aren't going to talk much and can't aid you in starting/maintaining/stopping conversations.
  • They will cling to you and ruin your entire night by making you take care of them.
  • They won't help you zip, locate, or carry things.
  • They complain about the hors d'oeuvres. Or complain about anything.
  • They are attached to the bar and will be sloshed by cake cutting.
  • They are an ex of someone being married that day.
The last one is actually a plus fifty but I think that's just to me because I like melodrama and tension.
Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

Music: Cool It Now, Vol 1.

Around a year ago I started my Cool It Now newsletter and now I’m on the fourteenth issue, a special all music themed one! It contains links to an incredible article about the rise of flute rap, as well as a Spotify playlist of my seventeen tracks for the summer. It’s a winner, just like my all Gosling edition from earlier this year. So while the frequency of the newsletter has stalled, the quality has gone up! I mean, I hope. Here are all the past issues, and below is my song notes for the seventeen tracks included in Cool It Now, Vol 1 . And for the record, "Paid in Full" is always the best flute rap! [ #14 Music Issue | #12 Gosling-fest | Past Issues ] 1. Bishop Briggs, “Wild Horses” (2017) This twenty-four year old British singer by way of Japan seems fond of wearing Chun Li buns and got inspired to sing via Tokyo’s karaoke bars. 2. DJ Khaled, “I’m the One” (2017) I’m starting my hunt for the dance jam of the year, the one I hope will be everywhere on a d
Read more

Friendship Archetype Hierarchy

You know me, I love lists, categories, and anything that involves names and rankings . Well, here's a project I've been working on for some time. Ever since seeing this NBA Archetype Hierarchy , I've been wondering how such a model could apply to friendships. Even if you don't know much about basketball, it can help to take a look and see how it's set up. There are five tiers, each containing a certain archetype coveted -- or not coveted -- by NBA teams. As you can see, the top tier is an elite point guard or a refined big man. Think Chris Paul and Shaquille O'Neal, respectively. Traditionally, finding a true superstar at either position will set your franchise up for success if you can surround them with the appropriate complementary parts. (Ignore the blue dot that is Lebron James; he's a freak and doesn't really fit into any archetype.) Basically, the NBA Archetype Hierarchy defines the types of players that are available and then orders whi
Read more

Friend Rivalries

During a dinner conversation last week, I commented to someone that he's always got friendship rivalries going on. I noted that there's usually some pair of friends in his life that are either subtly or overtly trying to secure or win a higher place on his friend totem. This got me thinking about how to create your own friend rivalry. But before we get into that, let's talk a few basic types of friend rivalries. (1) First, there's the equitable friend rivalry. Two really great friends, two equally valuable people who might even play similar roles in your life. The more the merrier you'd think, but for some reason, these two people just can't get along. You've tried to bring them together and to plan some trio brunches but at the end of the day, "any friend of yours is a friend of mine" just gets proved false once again. The niche these two occupy in the context of your life is too small for them to ever get along. Or they're just w
Read more